Tale of the Scale 5/22

Weight on the scale this morning: 133#

I am deeply happy today. I have been since early in walking Bay to Breakers on Sunday.

Most of the rest of this post is not going to be pretty; if you hold on to the end, though, I think you'll find a light at the end. But if you're having a bad day, or a bad week.. just skip this. It will be here when you're in a better place to read it.

==========================

I was raised in an abusive household.

No, I was not physically beaten nor was I sexually abused. My father was emotionally absent most of the time; when he did contribute anything, it was to suggest that I settle for what I have as long as I am not UNHAPPY (Happy? Too high a goal to aim for). My mother emotionally and verbally abused me from the time I was little until she could not longer speak about 10 years ago.

What's this got to do with getting healthy?

When I venture in any activity where I might make positive changes in life, the old "scripts" from my childhood come back and play in head. Trying to defeat me. Daring me to ignore them and succeed.

And if you check back over the past two months of these Tales, you will read me saying I've grown complacent. What I really mean is that I reached the half way point to my goal. And I was no longer unhappy with my body. Not happy, but not unhappy. My father's lessons have been ringing loudly in ears:

If you look at your body first thing in the morning and you are not unhappy with its appearance, why not simply settle for where you are? Why work any harder to lose more? And, why, for goodness sake pay someone to teach you how to exercise? If you can't do that for yourself, maybe you shouldn't be trying at all.

Settle for what you've got. Why risk trying to be successful at something? It's not like it will get you more money (the standard by which every worthwhile activity is judged. Will it make you more money?) Accomplishments for their own sake are vain-glorious exercises.

So my exercise and eating right routine has been waged against this nearly constant rhythm inside my head.

Settle. You are not unhappy.

Why work so hard?
------------------------------
Signing up for Bay to Breakers (walking in my first race) was another huge challenge to the ways things have been. I did about the same time I hit the half-way point. The script from my father got louder.

Settle. You are not unhappy.

Still I persisted. This past weekend my mother's voice decided to chime in because it looked like I was going to succeed inspite of my background.

You are a worthless whore!

You are a not unhappy worthless whore. Why bother to work any harder??

My mother's voice almost succeeded in making sure that I did not make it Sunday. How could a not unhappy worthless whore try to accomplish a simple task like walking 7.5 miles across a city with thousands of other people?

Yet Sunday morning I got up on time. I ate my oatmeal and banana. I got dressed. I drove to BART and joined a trainful of other people who were going to walk 7.5 miles across a city. Happy, worthwhile people.

I followed them to find my staging area, waited and eventually stepped over the START line.
As I walked through the city, it felt like a 50 pound weight flew up off my shoulders. My mother shut up! My father shut up!

I took back my power from the negative thoughts.

And I was suddenly so very deeply happy.

And I still am.

It's Official!

At a point this past January (February?) I realized that there are a number of choices I have made in the past several years that made me sad and unhappy.

I didn't feel well physically, and I chose to cut back on participating in things.

I vowed to change.

The first step in making this change was to commit to walk in the Bay To Breakers race this spring. OMG, I need to get up and get to downtown San Francisco before 8 am!! On a Sunday!!

Today it is OFFICIAL!! I just received my participant's packet in the mail.

'This is my bib. Look closely, as it will not make it on any of the news broadcasts of the race. They concentrate on the speeding fast runners in front of me and the costumed partiers who will be behind me.

I'll be in the middle doing something just for me.

This is a 12K race (about 7.5 miles) with one small hill at the 2.5 mile mark. Everyone talks about this hill, but it's only 2 15 feet tall with a 11.2% incline.

Yeah, it sucks. But I walk a higher hill with the similar incline whenever I walk from the bottom of the hill I live on up to our house. This hill will be challenging but easy-peasy.

The rest of the walk is flat or downhill.

This is my timing chip. I'll tie this to my shoes and when I step over the start line it will come to life (it's alive!!). Then when I cross over the finish line it will stop and give them my official walking time. No guessing for the gal in the crowd!

I'm aiming at finishing the race in about 2:15. I usually do a 3.0-3.5 pace, so this is reasonable.

I'll be taking BART over and back, so will be spending time with their timetable to make sure that I dont' screw this up. I don't wish to get there too too early (it will be chilly) and definately not too late.

And if you see that little yellow MUNI sticker, it lets me ride the MUNI bus back to BART without carrying lots of money to worry about the bus.

I am so glad I have the cellphone I do. Because I have a nice 1 GB smartcard in it, I can carry a whole lot of music to listen to while I walk. The fabulous Grace has agreed to supply me with my music mix. Anything will be game as long it's not too country or opera.

Also, I am inviting any friends who would like to to call after the time I should finish and check on my time (or congratulate me). If you'd like to be part of this pack, let me know and I'll send you the number and approximate time to call.

What's next? I'm not sure. I do know that I'm hoping to hike the Grand Canyon in the spring of 2009, The Indians return to Arizona for spring training that year, so I can get a double hit of goodness in one trip.